Dont engage with his arguments. my brain had done, we laughed), but absolutely had that reaction. Even the others theyre married to. Give yourself permission tofeel hurt and angry. And, if not, perhaps he and the OP should take a trip together there (not on one of her business trips). :D. There is nothing unwholesome about Vegas and plenty of reputable companies send their employees there for conferences because the city is set up for it with numerous transportation, hotel and food options. Slot machines are boring, table games make me anxious, I dont like to lose money when I could shop with it instead. Biking to work? I ALWAYS wonder in these cases if the guy actually did do this, or is just saying that he did to bolster his own stance. And ate a lot of food. ), but accommodating him a bit on that is reasonable, in my book and most importantly, has zero to do with his feeling ownership of me or thinking his wishes trump my work demands, and more to do with just wanting to be sure Im safe. They did indeed get married, and unsurprisingly, it ended in spectacularly bad fashion. Doesnt really matter. Well, it depends. At that point, the OP has some really solid information far more useful and on point than anything that the internet commentariate can provide her. Its fine. Would he demand she quit? We went to the Grand Canyon, went ziplining in the mountains and had a great without ever stepping in a casino. You also cannot learn anything while youre in a state of fear. Especially as she is the primary breadwinner, shes got to be allowed to do her jobeven if it means travelling to Vegas. Its natural to want to care for your partner. I mean, she could get kidnapped! His income was mostly for his own frivolous purchases, my job paid the rent and most of the utilities (he paid his own phone bill and bitched about it nonstop). Yes. They go out of their way to watch everyone. Yes. She has a job where you travel, and to him that probably sounds like shes achieving well (and she very well is) when *he is not,* comparatively. Im also a Chicagoan with an irrational former fiance. Honestly, corporate meetings in Vegas are not the sexfests people think they are. We were in that stage of "dating" where we wanted to do everything together, only he didn't fly and didn't really enjoy travel. In fact, were taking separate vacations this year not to Vegas, but we each wanted something completely different, so were going at different times to different parts of the world. Note: After I wrote this answer, I received more details about the letter-writer about exactly what her husbands objections are. Ive only been to Vegas twice. We are both off work for the summer so we can easily split up the car ride and stop and get a hotel for the night along the way. Im not diagnosing at all. You can use this space to go into a little more detail about your company. Based on the way anxiety distorts reality and actual risk, I could easily not allow my children to participate in things or have small measures of independence. :( Her husband seems like an abuser. Sounds great. Honestly I have been to a few conferences in Vegas and I worked so much all I saw was the inside of a conference room or a hotel bed, into which I fell (alone) exhausted every night. Sure, anxiety may be amplifying his concerns, but anxiety doesnt make a respectful, supportive, loving spouse demand that their wife refuse to attend a business trip. Sorry if I didnt tie that up explicitly enough. Does he worry about you when you go shopping alone, or when you work late at the office? Because thats the only possible response to that stunt. If I genuinely believed he was in danger, this would be insulting beyond words. Speaking as someone whos wife spent 8 months of 10 days on site near Chicago, 4 days home over the last year after 8 years of her doing essentially no business travel, I know spouse separation anxiety far better than I care to both on my part, and my wife. The same counselors that would demand that the woman submit would also tell the husband to man up and provide for his wife. This is not helpful to the conversation, but seeing posts like this always remind me of a relationship I got out of many years ago (just 3 months before our wedding date!) ALSO, there is nothing inherently unwholesome about prostitution OR gambling. A dancer charged a bunch of stuff on my credit card. (sees where incident happened) Or maybe, you bought 10 bottles of Cristal for strippers and then panicked when your accounting department asked for a receipt? Agreed! Is that an issue as well? And his anxiety is HIS to manage, not hers. I dont even like Vegas and end up there twice a year because its such a common conference location because of the affordability. (FWIW Im married and work FT and during tax season Ive come home at 10-12 PM. Connect with your family and friends, and even try tomake new friends. Im glad you have found enough awareness around this issue to help you handle it. this makes me IRATE. I think that makes all the difference hereOP doesnt just have a grinding job. Exactly. My husband still asks sometimes if hes allowed to go do things, like go to the pub with his friends without me, and it irks me because even though I know hes joking I dont like that he even pretends that I am a stereotypical ball and chain. We would stop when we needed gas or a bathroom break but usually wouldn't be stopped for more than 15 min or so. There was no worry about that, my dad trusted her and knew she just needed a little break from being Mom and needed some time being Jane (not her real name) to recharge. I got friend walks with doggo once a week to give myself what I needed while respecting that my husband didn't " I don't want to travel the world with you to film weddings and turn ever work trip . And nobody is reasonably going to crazy drug orgies where they might be at risk, during a work event. Another option is to share infowhen you get there take a picture of where you are stayingshow the agenda, let him know what you are doing, check in at the end of the night. I think the fact that hes willing to go counseling (am I reading that correctly?) Is it indulging in a pleasurable vice? This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Doyou have any tips onbuilding trust, friendship, and respect with your partners family? I suspect LWs husband doesnt *really* believe she will be kidnapped in Las Vegas. I understand your point, but I think that it is in the LWs best interest to suggest counseling first since she says her husband is otherwise reasonable and kind. Just that it could be either one. I bought a single-serve bottle of wine in the hotel convenience store and enjoyed it in my room. Now that we have been together longer, he has settled down and has learned to trust me. Dont answer the phone? Shes too fair to be naked out in that desert sun.. Hes watched too many college Spring Break movies, right? Everyone agrees with me and thinks youre unreasonable and crazy. Note that once you confirm, this action cannot be undone. Much better is Lundy Bancrofts Why does he do that?. It can feel very cruel to set boundaries and do what you need to do for yourself when it feels like your partner is suffering, but the accommodations are just very temporary band-aids. Unless theyre all really churchy (and the OP didnt say), if any of my previous partners said that, Id give it massive side-eye. Your absence is the absence of any possible reward for his behaviour. Thats the issue here. And when your husband does things like that, why would you choose him over anything else? Or leave? He and this whole situation is definitely unstable and unsustainable. Even if it was a relatively nice day, the fact that there was snow on the road would just give him fits. If he refuses to go, go alone. Business trips for him are salt in a wound, Im guessing. Of course, were all operating with limited info, and (lets be honest) a natural inclination to cme to the defense of an AAM reader/writer.. And voila- you're on the coast! But yeah, even then Im thinking more one-off or emergency situations at home, not I dont like that city!. I know that many conferences are held there, and wouldnt bat an eye at my fiancee going there without me. $57 foie gras burgers and stuff, just total lunacy. Anyway, TL;DR, there can be hope for these situations, despite what the commentariat here may imply. Its not about what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, its about Vegas has made themselves a very strong event destination, and that includes for regular businesses.. One of my biggest gripes about Vegas is that most of the hotels wont allow food delivery carriers to deliver to your room. Funnily enough, I never cheated, never had my drink spiked or got kidnapped during these excisions to sin city. The kidnaps, cheating, etc etc that COULD happen in Vegas (with about as much chance as being struck by lightning) are all just scare tactics to convince YOU to stay home and desire his protection from the big, bad world. How would it feel if you lost your job or got demoted because you stopped travelling due to his shenanigans? The worrying about her cheating leads me to consider there might be a problem with control/abuse, possibly. Another is that hes questioning the companys motives. When I moved to a big city to go to grad school, I got ALL KINDS of concern, especially when I started working swing shift and got home at midnight! Sometimes, well even travel to the same city together, but then spit up and hang out with two completely separate groups of friends. Im also someone that really tries to give the benefit of the doubt though. I think OP and her husband are from a more conservative background. :D. Naked Business Orgy in Vegas is what Im naming my metal-covers-of-show-tunes band. Honestly the greatest threat to LWs safety is probably lung cancer from second-hand smoke in the casinos. That is the problem. Food! I am angered that every time I have to go he seems to have an emotional breakdown. My jaw literally dropped. Overnight somewhere then do the same thing the next day. At first I was shocked, but that was only due to the misconceptions about that place. And companies love it because it tends to be cheaper than other places with similar conveniences. Jeez, we all married the same guy. Im certain he is imagining some lawless back alley den of sin. Remember the man who wanted his female co-worker to dress like a Little House on the Prairie extra? However, I have to stay in London for a couple of days next week, and he encouraged me to go he said he needs to learn to be more independent and self-reliant. Furthermore you can get into trouble anywhere, not just Vegas. If something written is thought to mean the opposite of what it says that is not reading, it is MISreading. Time to treat him like a tantruming toddler. When one leaves, its done! Her hotel room was amazing, and Im pretty sure it had a little museum in that hotel too. OP, this is HIS issue, not yours. My husband doesn't want to go because of the 14 hour car ride. Exactly. A great thing to consider would be inviting a few friends over on Friday night for Shabbat dinner. Vegas! This is CONTROLLING and MANIPULATIVE behaviour. Just my two cents. This educational content is not medical or diagnostic advice. let has no part of a marriage unless it deeply affects the partner and then people need to work on it together. I actually took my husband with me once and he went off on his own while I worked all day. This is great, Anon Poster. But it is a common business trip destination for the reasons others have noted and certainly poses no danger to anyone with common sense. If I squint really hard, I can kiiiinda see the objection to the first scenario (though still not really), but objecting to the second is very weird. Im a bit flabbergasted. Yeah, my parents clearly decided that it was a great place to take the kids nearly 20 years ago, and it was. I thought my mom was the only one like this. Is it only the Vegas trip where he has the outsized reaction or is there some anxiety for safety around all trips? I dont know if this is a sexist response from jealousy?. July 3 2022. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationwhere is ryan blankenship today. We walk through various casinos and gawk. or even where to eat dinner. But yes, OP, this does smell of jealousy. And AP, as your comment captures, and what Alisons advice does, is to put the LW in a position to find out which one it is. I can fold laundry and watch chick flicks and read novels in the tub after the kids go to bed, He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go.. Aw, hell gonna cancel my reservation then! The threading makes it a little unclear, but thats not the part under discussion: Top-Level Comment: If a person has surrounded themselves with a bunch of people that thinks its normal for one spouse to tell the other what they are/arent allowed to do, thats a beyond red flag., Response: Or its an indication that they live in a different culture than the one you know.. This advice is enabling his negative behaviors. Iasked ifI could come. He is obviously in distress, and rational or not, that is a bigger problem than just whether OP should go on her business trip. Please select a reason for escalating this post to the WTE moderators: Connect with our community members by starting a discussion. My husband was recently sent to Vegas for a week on two days notice and my response was pretty much the same. My husband and I both grew up in very traditional conservative homes, and so his support of my career means a lot to me. Best of luck! its really funny, because Vegas has lately been billed as a great place to go for a family vacation! Hes gotten better over time, but he still guilt-trips me before I leave and makes sad noises about how he misses me so much and we never spend enough time together. Most of them suffer from anxiety and sensory issues so they think Vegas sounds terrible in practice. Display any widget here. And you will regret it even more if your marriage ends and you put yourself in a worse position just to appease irrational fears. or is it not? Ill let my boss know that Ill need to leave work a bit early those days so I can get the kids from daycare., If it were my wife, my response would be Have fun Watch the lights in the sky to the north at night.,and Dont try to bet on 37 at roulette.. Ive pretty much given up on trips for fun. Your husband is being insecure (at best!). This is controlling behavior and its not about your trip or your safety, its about his anxiety. Thank you for sharing your story withus this iswhat weve come upwith: How would you react ifyou were inMayas shoes? This is control issues and fear and jealousy and toxic masculinity, not a thing that needs compromising on or a relationship issue. There are opportunities everywhere for illicit behavior, even at home. In fact, were you inclined to cheat, you might be more likely to do so in a boring place where theres much less to do (j/k, kinda). If all else fails OP can blame in on an alien abduction. Hee! Yes, we fly in on Monday and are out by Friday. Youre five minutes late? This is so far outside of normal that if I were in your shoes OP, I would be socking money away so that I could leave him, unless theres something youre not telling us that could possibly justify how he treats you. Indifference. I did a few Vegas-y things, but mostly I found really interesting things to do while not working. I never said anything about kiddnaping I had 3 seperate friends get sexually assaulted there. Rape! Rationalist who is deeply against living by social norms is a great big flashing warning sign that says DO NOT ASSOCIATE WITH THIS PERSON. Ultimately, a relationship cannot survive without trust. Other than that, we gambled, we ate a lot, we walked a lot, saw a lot of family-oriented and kid-oriented activities swam in the hotels outdoor pool. This is a really, really big deal. Oh man, the broken-glass-on-the-kitchen-floor-for-a-month dude! If you must have discussion, have them *later*, when everyone is calm. Where I was originally from in Ohio, there are schools that dont have proms because dancing is considered a vice, and thus shouldnt be promoted by a school. This is truly bizarre and worrying behavior on the husbands part. So when my sister and her then-boyfriend said they were taking a trip there, my first thought was that they shouldnt go because tourists are always killed horribly in Vegas (or are sometimes raped or kidnapped). We have now been married 5 years and this is a thing of the past. Ill throw this out too just in case. She is not the nicest mother in law, either. Its a big deal, but its not the end of the world for either of you. If this were my husband, Id point out that Im statistically more likely to be murdered by him than by a stranger, therefore its probably safer to be in Vegas than at home. Ill be safer and better nourished (I am a run of the mill vegetarian, but somehow that was hard to deal with, too. I do think raising, where you live, and a worldly perception of Vegas play in. Yes, this. It really sounds like your husband is trying to control you. If you can get that sort of perspective before the trip, that would be great. I actually didnt tell her I got K&R insurance when I worked in the Philippines and had to travel to an area where nearby skirmishes were going on and kidnappings WERE a concern. A week? I deal with those worries by making sure he has the tools he needs to accommodate those shortcomings, not by hobbling his life. Abusers often (successfully!) Yes, this. She wrote: His main objection is the fact that the trip is located in Las Vegas. Its actually better that way now for example, its now possible to eat a meal without hearing about keno. My take is that the uptick is in reporting and discussion, not the behavior itself. Ive done that before too, and it was invaluable in setting healthy boundaries in a sane, functional manner. Her starting point is out of loveshe doesnt want to lose me. If you ever felt something was wrong you can tell a bartender, a waiter, a cop, that you need some help. Did they make the decision she would be the primary breadwinner or is it something that came out of him losing his job or having a job that doesnt pay as much as hers? But the effect of his behavior on her is a them issue. I spent a lot of the day just wandering around the strip). Well, okay, then, if your mom says so!. Unless, its a SERIOUSLY homogeneous group, whichis possibleunfortunately. I would be surprised if it were anything more than a coincidence, but I think that reading that letter/advice/comments could be beneficial for this OP to see how it would likely be perceived if she did refuse to take the trip at her husbands behest. Talk with your partner about why hedidnt invite you along onthe trip. Milkshakes there are ON POINT. Just that it might be (MIGHT) an explanation. This. If your husband is really giving you a choice between staying married to him and going on a business trip, the answer may be difficult to face, but hes giving you a clear choice: You can live your life on his terms, with the threat of divorce hanging over your head if you participate in public and professional life in a way that displeases him, or live your life on your terms. Maybe you can rest your husbands anxiety by telling him youll be too busy. I played the slots for all of 5 minutes and that was it. For me, this is a differentiation between asking for permission from the perspective of consideration for the other person (kids are the #1 reason here), and asking for permission because the nature of your relationship dictates that one person gets to decide what the other person can/should be doing. I mean seriously? Has it been made perfectly clear that this trip isnt a mini-vacay/reward on the companys dime, but is -in fact- a work trip where you will be doing work? Hes using the great, ambiguous They to give his personal feelings more weight. Its been a while, but the last time I went to Vegas, we went to a Cirque du Soleil show, did a lot of shoe shopping, and took a drive out to the hoover dam (and took a cool tour). Bucks. Vegas is not somewhere Id vacation, but conferences there are very smooth and convenient. Whether anxiety is a contributing factor or not, thats all it is. He was there for a conference, and she was there for a bachelorette party. (Gendering the partners here solely for the purpose of clarity and conciseness. I really hope it does lead to the OP getting help. We always have a good laugh when one of my husbands coworkers asks him, You actually let your wife go away without you? Ment would not. I suspect this has less to to with irrational fears of the big, bad world, and more to do with an outdated, sexist view of the man being in charge of his woman. Vegas has more hotel rooms than any other city in America, and regular flights to an airport located in the city from every other major city in the country. HE is the one who needs counseling; going together would send the message that its an us issue. For anyone who has traveled for business, it is a dream destination because it is convenient. Its literally the opposite of a fun wild weekend. On another note, with the amount of cameras in Vegas, kidnapping or any other untoward act would be fairly difficult if youre staying in populated areas. I also suggested going to counseling for professional diagnosis and treatment. Nothing to do with trust, we just wouldnt want Vegas tarnished by work! ); (2) You and Marcus could try to pay your own way; or (3) You could commence the sticky process of negotiating a patchwork-payment . Conversely I dont think Ive ever paid less than $200/night for a business-class hotel in NYC, Austin, LA, etc. It can be challenging to know when to kind of cater to her anxiety (she is able to relax much better if I check the door locks before bed than if she does it, so I do it but never more than once a night), and when to decide that her worry about a particular issue has passed the point where I can be supportive and is just on her to manage (I refuse to provide reassurance for a 7th round of what if this offhand comment I made at work was overheard by the wrong person and totally misinterpreted and I get fired and then I cant find another job and then we lose the house?). Omg that sounds so much like my mom. Especially your point about this not being an issue of sides.. I meet family from California. You say youre the breadwinner. Do the counseling (alone or with him.) He does worry about my safety. Unlikely if its not part of her character, but certainly more possible than in Eerie, Pennsylvania. Sin City. Most of them. Hello thanks for the comment but I do work I manage over 400 rental properties and Im a professional gardener for a estate. And the entertainment options are essentially endless. But also, my aunt and uncle are pretty bigoted and I know they modeled the idea of a submissive wife and dominant husband for my cousin.
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